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(no subject)

June 18th, 2009 (10:43 pm)

I spent a week in the woods, wearing makeup and a fluffy skirt. Dancing... or more honestly, watching people dance in a barn. Kissing...or more honestly watching people kiss (for the most part) and talking and smiling and having an amazing time that seemed to be made of spun glass. Heat and pressure making sand into something sparkly and fragile. No surprise then that coming back to albany crushed the shimmering glass bubble of happiness. I still have sand in my pockets, and an ankle that reminds me of what an amazing time was had with each painful step, but I am back in Albany. And... if you didn't know. I hate Albany. Counting down until I can leave at the end of the next spring semester.
may 14th.
330 days... and counting

leaving

April 21st, 2008 (12:45 pm)

I should be packing right now.. and I started but apparently knowing I have 9 days and I need to wear clothes for all 9 of those days makes it extremely hard for me to pick out what to pack and what to keep out. I'm having a really hard time picking out what to bring with me to Philly and what to leave here. I'm working on cleaning out the room I use for storage and I have a rash from the dust. I am seriously moving in days and it scares me, but there will be good parts. It's very nice out. I want to do something outside today but I will probably spend most of the day packing seeing as I don't really have that many days to get this done. It's worth it.

(no subject)

April 19th, 2008 (12:58 am)

May 1st will be 3 years.
I will probably fall apart.
I will instead try and take deep breaths and move to Philly that weekend.
I have to figure out when I'm driving Dexter to Maine. I'm having anxiety about letting dexter live somewhere where I am not for 3 months.
I'm having anxiety about leaving Albany.
I am having all sorts of issues.
I had a nice time in Philly this past week, except for when I had a stomach virus and threw up all over the UPenn campus and a great time in new york with maria before that. I got to see lots of people I adore.
I'm really anxious. Really. anxious.

philadelphia

March 23rd, 2008 (10:52 pm)

I haven't posted to live journal in forever. For good reason. I had another journal i regularly updated. Well now I don't have that journal anymore.

I have been having a really hard couple of weeks. I know that part of it is needing to get out of Albany and I do need to get out of Albany, but I also know that part of it is more then that. The feeling of desperate terror of... nothing. Yes those feelings again. I haven't felt this way since I've lived in Albany... well okay, once or twice but never quiet so bad because Albany has been my safe space. Now, meaning to or not someone has taken that away, and at least for now I'm going to have to recreate it elsewhere.
I might be moving to Philly in the beginning of may, and it scares me... at the same time that I really really want it, it makes me really nervous. I'm such a different person then I was the last time I lived there. I've gotten so much better at being the person I want to be. At only spending time with people I enjoy, at not drinking all the time, and so many other things... but these desperately sad feelings and possibly moving to philly coinciding is definitely doing something to me. making me scared that I'll fall into patterns I promised myself I would never repeat. The rational part of me knows that I won't ever repeat those patterns. I've grown so much, there is just no way. Still, there's a part of me that that doesn't know how to handle how conflicted I feel. I know at least some of it is leaving a place that I've lived for 3 years and think of as home, and at least part of it is the bitter feelings that come with feeling like I have to leave here because of another person being here but a part of it is also being afraid of Philly. Of the ghosts I have attached to that city.

(no subject)

October 24th, 2007 (11:01 pm)

triggering events are just that... triggering. I can't log into my bme journal and it's driving me crazy. I wish I could get over things and not cry. I wish i could.

spring cleaning

April 12th, 2007 (12:21 pm)

Things i want to do:
paint my house:
paint my bedroom million dollar red with black trim
paint my kitchen utah sky with yellow brick road trim
paint my living room waterbury green with fairview taupe trim

get rid of the rug in the livingroom

put another shelve on my window in my bedroom

get more house plants

paint my dresser

hang up art all over the house

dying a little bit and maybe that's not a bad thing

April 1st, 2007 (10:44 pm)

I'm listening to Kimya Dawson because i had an intense craving to and it makes me wonder why being depressed makes me stop listening to music when listening to music makes me not so depressed anymore. I guess I'm feeling better lately. I don't know... better or worse. I was honest some of the time but i didn't tell whole truths all the time, and lately i feel if you aren't going to scream absolute truths from the roof tops maybe your better off lying.

..............

March 9th, 2007 (06:58 pm)

For the first time in a long time i feel like i may not be teaching at the high school next year. If that happens I guess I'm okay with it. I mean, I wont have a choice, if I don't get rehired than that's what happens. I will leave Albany if that's what happens. I don't know where I'll go exactly, but I would have no choice but to leave here. Maybe try philadelphia again. I don't know.

...

March 7th, 2007 (07:58 pm)

I want to explode and leave little pieces of myself all over this city. Like a party you were too drunk to remember but you wake up and the confetti is everywhere. I want out.. but i never want to leave. I want to die here but not alone. I'm going to wake up one morning and everything i have is going to turn to dust and be wiped away with a wet paper towel. My ovaries will wither and the muscles i use to smile will have no memory of ever having been asked to rise to the occasion. I hate feeling this way. I hate myself. I just need to hang on for 3 more months but i don't know if i can.

...

September 27th, 2006 (08:01 pm)

What is there to say really. I'm depressed I have not a single person I want to talk about it with. Not here not anywhere. At the same time I want to scream that things aren't okay. Last night was really hard, I had a fever and I called my mom to tell her I didn't feel good and i realized for the last 4 months of his life ron never felt goo and I'm never going to see him again. Every night I light a candle and I put his picture above it and cry and think about him for awhile, trying to remember all the good stuff from before he was really sick. It's hard. Over and over again I read his last words to me glad i had the foresight to write them down. I'm kind of hypocritically bothered that I'm pretending everythings alright and that everyone believes everythings alright. One of my best friends died last sunday... of course I'm not alright. Nobody asks though and even if they do i say that I'm fine and that everythings okay. I need to work up the courage to call his mother. It's going to be so hard to talk to her but I want to let her know I'm thinking about her and him all the time. There isn't a single day where I don't cry and there isn't a single day where I don't have moments where it doesnt feel real. I feel drained. I've been sleeping whenever I'm home. I don't want to put any effort to spend time with people but then i feel fucking alone all the time. when I am with people I'm sarcastic and bitter because I'm hurt and I don't want friends if theyre going to die.

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