I haven't posted to live journal in forever. For good reason. I had another journal i regularly updated. Well now I don't have that journal anymore.
I have been having a really hard couple of weeks. I know that part of it is needing to get out of Albany and I do need to get out of Albany, but I also know that part of it is more then that. The feeling of desperate terror of... nothing. Yes those feelings again. I haven't felt this way since I've lived in Albany... well okay, once or twice but never quiet so bad because Albany has been my safe space. Now, meaning to or not someone has taken that away, and at least for now I'm going to have to recreate it elsewhere.
I might be moving to Philly in the beginning of may, and it scares me... at the same time that I really really want it, it makes me really nervous. I'm such a different person then I was the last time I lived there. I've gotten so much better at being the person I want to be. At only spending time with people I enjoy, at not drinking all the time, and so many other things... but these desperately sad feelings and possibly moving to philly coinciding is definitely doing something to me. making me scared that I'll fall into patterns I promised myself I would never repeat. The rational part of me knows that I won't ever repeat those patterns. I've grown so much, there is just no way. Still, there's a part of me that that doesn't know how to handle how conflicted I feel. I know at least some of it is leaving a place that I've lived for 3 years and think of as home, and at least part of it is the bitter feelings that come with feeling like I have to leave here because of another person being here but a part of it is also being afraid of Philly. Of the ghosts I have attached to that city.