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September 27th, 2006 (08:01 pm)

What is there to say really. I'm depressed I have not a single person I want to talk about it with. Not here not anywhere. At the same time I want to scream that things aren't okay. Last night was really hard, I had a fever and I called my mom to tell her I didn't feel good and i realized for the last 4 months of his life ron never felt goo and I'm never going to see him again. Every night I light a candle and I put his picture above it and cry and think about him for awhile, trying to remember all the good stuff from before he was really sick. It's hard. Over and over again I read his last words to me glad i had the foresight to write them down. I'm kind of hypocritically bothered that I'm pretending everythings alright and that everyone believes everythings alright. One of my best friends died last sunday... of course I'm not alright. Nobody asks though and even if they do i say that I'm fine and that everythings okay. I need to work up the courage to call his mother. It's going to be so hard to talk to her but I want to let her know I'm thinking about her and him all the time. There isn't a single day where I don't cry and there isn't a single day where I don't have moments where it doesnt feel real. I feel drained. I've been sleeping whenever I'm home. I don't want to put any effort to spend time with people but then i feel fucking alone all the time. when I am with people I'm sarcastic and bitter because I'm hurt and I don't want friends if theyre going to die.