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September 19th, 2006 (08:34 am)

cancer won. ron is dead. i spent all day yesterday at school pretending everything was okay. I knew if i didnt talk about it I wouldnt cry. after school I got in the car and drove to long island and screamed almost all the way here.

...

September 2nd, 2006 (11:24 am)

things are all topsy turvey...


i didn't get the job in brooklyn. I am staying in Albany.


i will be teaching at the Harriet Tubman Free School High School.

i am happy about that

but dissatisfied in most other areas of my life.

oh.

except with my apartment.

my apartment is amazing.

(no subject)

August 10th, 2006 (01:08 am)

Some things are going well... and some things aren't going so well.

i guess that's how life is sometimes.

I found a picture of me online from when i lived in philly. It made me cringe. Philly was when i made some of the absolute worst decisions in my whole entire life. I'm glad that I drank enough that I can barely remember it. I met a really awesome woman that lives in philly a few weeks ago at a show here in Albany... next time I'm in philly we're going to try and meet up.. perhaps... i dont know really, i get scared of hanging out with new people when it really comes down to it.

A friend stayed with me for the last 10 days, it was nice... maybe I do need roommates after all. Or better yet a best friend whom I live with. Constant companionship.

I'm already getting excited for the renewing the anarchist tradition conference. "The Renewing the Anarchist Tradition (RAT) conference, sponsored by the Institute for Anarchist Studies, aims to provide a scholarly space in which to both reexamine and reinvigorate the social and political tradition of anarchism" how could i not be excited???

I've been reading alot lately... and putting off packing... as soon as i get back to albany i have to pack. I don't know what I'm doing next year yet.. but packing is necessary either way.

Ron isn't getting better, Lisa and I went to visit him today, he has hospice care. The goal of hospice care... to make dying as comfortable as possible. I cried once we left. I'll see him again tomorrow and the next day, and hopefully this wont be the last time i make it down here before he dies.

(no subject)

July 22nd, 2006 (09:16 pm)

"The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality." Dante

(no subject)

July 19th, 2006 (09:17 pm)

I applied for a job in another city. I'm excited about it yet I feel like I'm going to fuck up the interview. I have a tendancy to mess up anything that could be good.
The job is in brooklyn. If i get it... I'll have to move all my stuff yet again. Starting over terrifies me but change is sometimes necessary. If this doesn't work out I'm seriously considering leaving albany in a year. Maybe flagstaff arizona? someplace smaller and quieter where i can see the stars clearly and breathe more deeply.

i almost cant cope

July 19th, 2006 (09:40 am)

i just cried in front of the 3 year old little girl that i babysit. for a moment i even forgot she was here. what is it about saying words outloud that makes them so true. "my friend ron is really sick. He's dying. He has cancer. He's in the hospital right now. I need to go to long island."

cancer

July 15th, 2006 (12:24 am)

His cheeks are hallow and the circles under his eyes are so big that i swear they take up half his face.

They say the tumor they found in his brain is almost inconsequental.

then....

Taking the LIRR every sunday. Drinking jack and coke as we made our way into the city.

Bored walking around our town drinking slurpees and getting chinese food complaining that there was nothing to do in mastic.

The diner... rolling my eyes when he talked about music for too long.

helping him move all his stuff to buswick when i'd only had my license for weeks and was such an awful awful driver.

Walking from his house to my house...or from the train station to my house together. The best conversations where had while moving.

now...

linking arms to prevent falling.

Shaving his head with a bic razor. All bald and smooth, so it wouldn't fall out anymore.

not knowing what to do.. or how to act so becoming distant.

Already feeling a distant sense of loss. I cant wrap my brain around it.

(no subject)

June 9th, 2006 (08:53 pm)

school ended today.
I already miss it.
I'm at the beginning stages of mania... and i cant even remember the last time I felt this way..or that way might be a better phrasing, considering I'm finding it extremely easy to disassociate with what I'm feeling now. I know from past experience that it just gets worse from here..that it takes awhile..but it just keeps getting worse.

I thought about not doing the highschool thing for next year...because I have anxiety over weither or not I can handle teaching a high school class. And I'm finding myself filled with feelings of not wanting to be in albany even though I haven't the faintest idea of where I'd be happier. Probably no where.

............

June 5th, 2006 (02:03 pm)

After all this I got sunburn on a cloudy day.

sigh

May 17th, 2006 (11:21 am)

Things still aren't back to normal...

and maybe they never will be.

i guess thats how it goes.

I think I'm going to be living with a girl named Jen next year, the thought of living with boys still scares the fucking shit out of me, despite the fact that I've been living with one for the last 9 months. I guess he just somehow doesn't count. The doula training was amazing, spending 3 days with just women... even more so. Doing a pelvic exam... was the hardest part... I was so afraid I was going to hurt the woman i was doing the exam.

Lately i feel like I'm drowning.

Actually not just lately... its just getting harder to hide.

i love it here so why am i so fucking sad.